Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sex and Praying Manitses

A frank discussion about sex. And praying mantises.

Do you know what the female praying mantis does after mating with the male praying mantis?

She bites his head off, and eats him! I guess you can't say she sacrifices a virgin, but it's pretty darn close!

Which begs two questions?

Does he realize what's about to happen to him? 

And is it worth it?

The answer to both of those questions is: He's a guy.

Have you ever noticed that males think about sex constantly?

This is not a stereotype. We really do. It's not always in the forefront of our minds (contrary to popular belief), but it's always lurking somewhere just off stage. The problem is, although intellectually we know the truth, biologically we believe that each time we have sex may just be our last. And that's pretty hard to bear. So we think that if we just hint and remind and constantly bring it up, then you (the female) will not forget about sex.

We're pretty sure you will otherwise.

It's rather humiliating, but the alternative is unthinkable.

As a sexually driven male (is there another kind?) our Praying Mantis friend is likely pretty stupid. This is what happens when the limited amount of blood in your body spends it's time some place other than your brain. But he has to wonder what ever happened to some of his buddies.

"You know, I haven't seen Frank around much, since he hooked up with Wilma. And Jerry hasn't come by since he met that hot little Tenodera Aridifolia Sinensis number. And Bobby...hey, wait a minute...something's going on here..."

But, before he can figure it out, She walks by. And his fate is sealed.

And even if he knew what she would do to him, he would still make his move. I would bet my last dollar on it.

Why you ask?

Because it's going to be the BEST.SEX.OF.HIS.LIFE!!

Yep. It's late. And I'm tired.

(But, I'm never too tired for sex. Let me be clear about that)

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Fluttering the Cape


The year of the Fluttering Cape

I know I'm a few days late, but it's time for some New Year's resolutions.

I love the idea of the New Year.

Of a fresh start.

A blank sheet.

I love the idea of looking back on what you've done, and haven't done -- the things you accomplished,  the experiences you've had, the areas where you came up short, and the lessons that were learned. I also love the notion of looking forward to new experiences, and to trying again.

New Year's resolutions are about possibilities, so first and foremost, let's set aside the things that are not going to change:

In 2014, politics will still be a stupid enterprise, populated with stupid people, saying and doing stupid things for stupid reasons.

There will still be strife and conflict in the world.

Reality television isn't going anywhere.

A lot of things that suck about the world we live in are still going to suck.

And there will be nothing you and I can do about a lot of it...but...

That doesn't mean we can't do anything.

And that's where the fluttering cape comes in.

In the world of superheroes, there is an iconic image. At the end of a great struggle, the image that we are left with is of (insert your favorite superhero's name here) standing majestic and triumphant...lit in horizontal light, sun on the face...jaw firm...chin high...shoulders straight...eyes confident and satisfied...

And the best of them are wearing capes.

And those capes are fluttering.

This is the sign of accomplishment, of overcoming, of excelling, of beating the odds, of keeping a promise.

From the time I was a very small boy, with the possible exception of Luke Skywalker, there is no one I've fantasized about being more than Superman.

Time has not dimmed my admiration of the Man of Steel, but it has changed my perspective on him. When I was a boy, it was the flight and the super speed, and the invulnerability that appealed to me, but now it's something else.

Something more.

Superman is the embodiment of the idea of doing the right thing, because it is the right thing to do. A being with the ability to impose his will on any situation always uses his abilities to make that situation better. Whether it's saving the earth from destruction or helping a kitten out of a tree, he makes the best choice every time.

Every time.

That's why his cape is fluttering.

That's a hard ideal to live up to. Maybe it's even impossible. But it's not impossible to try.

As I imagine myself, standing in the sun, cape billowing out behind me, I find myself wondering what makes my cape flutter?

And there are a lot of things -- some of them are fun, like learning to ride a unicycle, or taking a picture that makes someone look twice, or making my kids laugh. Some of them are highly satisfying -- like spending more time with my family than I do at work, or serving others, or deeply touching -- like seeing my children succeed, and learn to stand on their own.

Some of them are very personal, and I'm not going to tell you about those.

But the point is there are many opportunities, in the course of our lives -- every year, every day -- to stand in the sun, back straight, shoulders squared, chin up, eyes confident....and cape fluttering behind...and I intend to make 2014 the year that I acknowledge those moments.

And I don't intend to do it alone.

And that's where you come in.

I want to know what has inspired you, and what does inspire you, to be better tomorrow than you were yesterday.

I want to know what moves you to action.

I want to know what makes you stand in the sun.

What makes you proud? What keeps you in the game? What are you hoping for, and what are you going to do about it?

I want to know what makes you fly.

I want to know what flutters your cape.