Monday, March 9, 2009

Things I Did Once: #4 (or, the time that Satan hocked a big one up my right nostril)

I've never tried to explain this without the accompanying gestures, but here goes:

Have you ever eaten at Famous Dave's Barbeque? If you haven't, you really should -- but, here's something you should NOT do.

On each table at Famous Dave's there is a six pack of squeeze bottles full of various hot sauces --for those whose BBQ is never hot enough, for all of you masochists out there who have something to prove. 

I am not one of these people. I like just a little bit of heat -- just a little kick. 

I'm secure in my manhood. 

I don't feel that meal time needs to be a painful experience.

The problem is...I get a little restless. 

On this particular day, I was on a date with my wife and we had just ordered our food. We were engaging in witty conversation, as usual...and then I got fidgety. I started sniffing the VERY FULL bottles of hot sauces.

Just because. 

This is a VERY delicate process. It requires dexterity, and distance. What you want to do is just puff out a little air from the nozzle. And then of course the second half of the equation involves sniffing said air. 

For the first four bottles everything went swimmingly. I would puff and sniff and then offer witty observations. 

Me: Hot and Sassy: Puff. Sniff. Hmmm. That's Hot and Sassy! 
Wife: You are very witty. 

Me: Sassy Chipotle: Puff. Sniff. This smells like Chipotle...with Sass!!
Wife: Didn't see that one coming. 

Me: Rich and Sassy. Puff. Sniff. Is it me or is there a lot of sass in this room?
Wife: (rolling eyes) How old are you?

Me: Sweet and Zesty. Puff. Sniff. Now that's --
Wife: (looking out the window and sounding bored) Are you going to do this until they bring the food?

And then I got her attention. 

Me: (all of this happened in an instant) Devil Spit. Puff (-- WHOOOPS! TOO HARD!!) Sniff!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG! HOLY @$#%@&@!! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!!

Wife: Rolling on the floor. 

My sinuses were clear for WEEKS!


Holly said...

I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry!!!!

Mom24 said...

Hmmm, maybe I'll try to order some for my hubby. He's been suffering sinus headaches for weeks. :-)

Pam Emmons said...

I wouldn't expect anything less of you.

Kat said...

Hahaha!!! OUCH!!!
Well, at least you got the wife to laugh. ;)

Honey Mommy said...

You are hilarious!
Maybe I should get some of that as a cure for sinus congestion!

Cajoh said...

I'm almost curious as to what the gestures are. Yes, there are some things you don't ever want to do again.

Mom said...

Hilarious...but man, that had to be so painful!!
You'll never forget that date. ;)

sunshinesls said...

Oh man....that is HILARIOUS! I think you should video yourself with the hand gestures and post it for us...but your writing is so good that it really created a good visual...OH I bet that hurt!!!!

Jill @ Sneaky Momma said...

Oh, no! You poor thing!

Izzy, Emmy 'N Alexander said...

lol!! You are crazy!

Melissa said...

TOO FUNNY!!!! I'mnot real big on spicy foods.... I like a little kick, but not enough to clear my sinuses for weeks!! :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

When will we double date? You're very entertaining.

My hubby likes pain with his meal. One Christmas I bought him Dave's Insanity Sauce (look it up, it was BANNED form the Fiery Foods Show and states on the label that you can take grease stains off your driveway with it). He sloshed it on his potatoes like it was ketchup. One of the funniest Christmas mornings I can remember.

Kacey said...

You have ME on the floor laughing and crying. LOL And Brian is looking at me like I'm a crazy woman. And while I wouldn't normally dispute that, I am only acting this way because you are HILARIOUS! Sorry that happened, but OMG, SO FUNNY!

CC said...

Bwhahahaha! Feeling hot, hot, hot?

Melissa ♥ Spoiled Mommy said...

I have been there,and done that before.

oh i love the water drip picture at the top...gorgeous!

Lindsay said...

Well, you just had me AND hubs rolling on the floor, too. LOL.

Susan said...

Hilarious! I could totally see my husband doing the same thing. I think that is why I laughed so hard.

Anonymous said...

*ROFL* Oh my gosh that's too much!

Val said...

This story gets funnier every time you tell it.

Michelle said...

Um, I think I am going to pass on using restaurant squeeze bottles!