Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dorks 'R' Me

While browsing the internet the other day, I came upon a ghost from my past: The Huffy Bandit. My first bike. The most ridiculous of bikes. The Edsel of bikes. 
It was the early 1980's, and all of my friends were getting bikes. BMX was the buzzword of the the day, though none of us was actually involved with Boy's Motorcross. My best friend, Aaron, had a bike called "Gold Fever." He told me it was a disco bike. I saw no reason to doubt him -- like I said, it was the very early 80's.
So, when my parents finally agreed to get me a bike, this was what they came home with. Almost. Mine also had a long, trapezoidal shaped seat. It looked like a black pound cake. There were, literally, dozens of boys, about my age, in the neighborhood where I grew up, we all got bikes about the same time. Only I rode the Huffy Bandit. 

As an aside, the bike was supposedly inspired by the "Smokey and the Bandit" movies. Remember that highlight of cinematic history -- when the biggest name in the world was Burt Reynolds?
See those uniquely curved handle bars? The combination of the bars and the elongated seat made it possible to do NOT ONE COOL TRICK!!! I couldn't wheelie, I couldn't jump. The most spectacular feat I ever accomplished on the Bandit was to try and navigate a dip on a dirt road, and fall on my face. It was a lot like riding on the back of mentally challenged moose. But, not as graceful. 
I blame my parents. It' obvious, looking back, that they are to blame for the dork that I am today. You should have seen the way they let me dress back then: cowboy boots and guns, a space helmet and a superman cape. Yes, I was dressing myself at that point, but they had the power to stop it, and they did NOTHING! I believe it was a conspiracy.
Proof you ask? I submit my final exhibit:
About the same time as the Huffy Bandit Affair, as it has come to be known, the kids in the neighborhood were getting roller skates -- the pre-roller blade kind. These were the skates with the plastic wheels, and the big rubber stopper on the end of the toe. The kind that made the quiet whooooooooshing sound, when you rode them down the street. Naturally, I wanted some too. 
Christmas that year was the only Christmas, of my childhood, that I distinctly remember there being no snow. A perfect Christmas for roller skates, and, on Christmas morning, I got roller skates. With metal wheels. And no brakes. Naturally, I was the only one so blessed. 
Do you know the sound of metal scraping along pavement? It's like a cow bell around your neck. It's a dork alarm, so that everyone knows when you're coming. 

I'm not bitter though. 


Pam Emmons said...

Oh my gosh! This is the funniest thing I have read in a while! Ya, you are totally a dork, and now I understand why. Thanks for enlightening me. I will have to thank your mom. Where would we be without the dork Chris?

Val said...

And you think I'm the dork. I had cool tennis shoe skates. And a rainbow schwinn bike with a yellow banana seat. Yep sporting that bike with my magna bangs. I totally rocked. My favorite line in my favorite movie, childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Oh yea, now this? THIS was hilarious. You had me at Napolean DYNOMITE. REALLY.

Robyn said...

LOL, I had a pair of the metal ones that strapped on to your shoes, they sucked. I did have a skateboard, though I never really learned how to use that.

Crazymamaof6 said...

OH gosh! cackling! i was cackling over this! thank you for taking me back to the 80's! i had a banana seat. it was dork chic. but my brother had the huffy with the eraser seat and huge springs underneath it. it was a bouncy ride. perfect for going off the curb. THOSE WERE THE DAYS!

Catey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aaron said...

Ugh.....sorry about the previous post, I was signed in as Catey....only DORKS do that.

You need to find a pic of the predator and post that. Just de-dork yourself a little.