Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Jack is Back!

Chris will be unavailable to play for the next twenty or so Monday nights, from 8:00pm to 9:00 pm mst. 

I wish I had written this list:

1 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.

2 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

3 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

4 The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.

5 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

6 Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.

7 Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

8 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

9 When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."

10 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

11 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.

12 The 2009 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

13 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

14 Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a loser. He proceeded to wrestle an alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.

15 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

16 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

17 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

18 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

19 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."

20 Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

21 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

22 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

23 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

24 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

25 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

26 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.

27 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

28 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

29 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

30 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

31 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

32 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

33 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

34 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

35 When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.

36 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef.

37 Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.

38 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

39 Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.

40 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

41 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.

42 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

43 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

44 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

45 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

46 It's no use crying over spilled milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk.

47 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.

48 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

49 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

50 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

51 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that loser went to the hospital first.

52 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

53 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

54 No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.

55 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.

56 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

57 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer

58 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

59 When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.

60 Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

61 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

62 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

63 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

64 Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.

65 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

66 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

67 Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.

68 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

69 "You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.

70 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

71 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's Jack Bauer.

72 Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.

73 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

74 Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

75 When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

76 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

77 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

78 Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

79 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

80 Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

81 Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better  do it.

82 Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

83 In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

84 Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.


Izzy, Emmy 'N Alexander said...

You have a man crush don't you? LOL!

Unknown said...

I misread the title in a rush through my reader and thought it said "Jack Black's back" and I was all where had he gone. Oh well, never mind.

(How fitting is it that the word verification is "cable")

Wayfaring Wanderer said...

I've never watched that show.....I'm sad that my shows aren't on right now.

Pam Emmons said...

K- I don't have time right now to read them all, but nice job. Pete actually wrote in Jack Bauer for President. I'm sure it negated his entire vote, but i agree he would be the better president.

Holly said...

Hahaha! That list is hysterical. Have fun watching.

Jenners said...

Even though I don't watch 24 (ooooohhhh...was that bullet from Jack Bauer that just whizzed by my head)... I found this totally hilarious. And ... wait. I'm laughing at Jack Bauer... who is... WhAT -- he's in the house .. .arrgghshshdf ____________________________________________________

Aaron said...

LOST is better than 24.

(I don't really know, I never have seen 24)

Lindsay said...

I think there's a 12 step program for people such as yourself...

Wendelyn DeMoss said...

Okay, another similarity...I am a serious "24" fan..serious! I will not miss an episode. The show on Sunday and Monday nights were I think very good. My husband and I predicted of course that Tony was a good guy and we loved the different story lines. Keifer is a class act. I have seen him in two different interviews this week and I was impressed. I too will be indisposed on Mondays!!

Straight to Your Hart said...

#23...think I need to do that to myself...

Does he have a thing for SuperMan...oh sorry Jack! Will be sleeping with one eye open!! :)