Saturday, June 13, 2009

Things I did once: #'s 6 and 7

This post will be rated PG-13 (maybe 14) due to content. 

My wife tells me that I need to be posting more than just twice a week.

Remember that. 

This was her idea.

My most embarrassing moments.

We all do it. It's one of the ways we express affection and appreciation. Athletes do it -- manly men. Parents do it. We don't even give it a second thought. EVERYONE does it!

What is it? 

It's the butt pat. 

And when it's done to that "special person" there's a little extra zzziinnnggg!!! Maybe your hand lingers just a little bit, your fingers caressing just a little,'s okay....

Have you ever had a moment where your body acted without checking with your brain first?

Here's how it went down:

Me: (washing dishes, with that special woman) "Looks like the dishes are done, thanks for the help. I love you." 

That special woman: "No problem. I love you too." 

Me: Swatting -- ZZZZIIINGGG!....lingering.......(I can't believe I'm typing this)...caressing...turning and walking away......

.........Looooooooong pause...............

Me: "Sorry about that mom."

Well, that moment is only eclipsed by this one: 

Men only have so much blood in their bodies, and it's generally all concentrated in one area or another -- and if it's SOMEWHERE ELSE then it's not in the brain, doing all those brainy, thinky things. And the brain is way up in the head -- the blood is fighting gravity all the way. 

Here's the scene:

My wife and I are in the hotel in San Diego. It's our honeymoon. We're both new at doing IT, and we've been.......... practicing. 

My wife has headed into the restroom. After a moment, I follow her. 

The blood is really fighting gravity. 

I slide open the door and see my naked bride (the blood just took a nose dive), sitting on the toilet. 


Me: (Feeling randy and masculine and hot and a little dirty and oblivious to anything but the naked woman before me, and in my best, and irresistible and sexiest, come-hither-and-try-to-control-yourself-on-second-thought-don't voice) "Hey baby! What are you doin'?"

My bride: "What do you think I'm doing?"


Aaron said...

You forgot the time when I was helping you move into your apartment, we stopped by your in-laws and we are standing there talking to them and you put your hand on my back and started rubbing my back in front of them.....

.......I knew we were close....but really. Keep your hands to yourself from now on.


Really.....what DID you think she was doing in there?

Aaron said...

Two more things.....

#1 - That freaky 'ear thing' is still on your blog.

#2 - Did you know that one of the pictures you posted in yesterday's post is blurry?......just thought I would mention it.

Chris said...

I'd forgotten about the back rubbing scandal -- as it came to be known -- thanks for bringing that up . Thanks a lot.

As for Sharon, I thought she wanted to PRACTICE some more!

One of my pictures yesterday was blurry?!?! Which one?

Pam Emmons said...

I don't think I have ever heard the second story. I don't even know what to say. Although I am pretty sure that I snorted while I was laughing.

Aaron said...

Just to let you know Pam....Chris and I share a brain, not bodies.....ewww.

I quote Harris K. Tellemacher:

Life is just a bunch of hubub but never really amounting to much....of course I am paraphrasing....Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound an fury, signifying nothing.....{meow}.

I'm not sure why I just wrote that.

Jill @ Sneaky Momma said...

Oh, I can't stop laughing at that first story!!! Way too funny!
Your poor bride. She's going to wish she never encouraged you to post more than twice a week. :)

The Rambler said...

Buwhahahahahahah...GREAT stories to share!

Your wife is right. Always :)

Mamí♥Picture said...


Mom24 said...

Too funny. I like the idea of more posts. Keep them coming.

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Alex @ I'm the Mom said...

lol that's absolutely hillarious. Love it!!!

Kellan said...

Just when I was thinking you were the coolest guy I know - eeeeek! No - those are funny stories!! Have a great week Chris!

See you soon - Kellan

CC said...

Oh no!!! Tell your wife to watch out when she suggests more posting! My husband (on the other hand) tells me to stop posting!

Straight to Your Hart said...

LMAO!!! Then I turn around...crap..oh, I mean stink..gigging!

Last year I witnessed something only boys did. My oldest was in Jr. Jazz...She made a basket (miracle). Anyhow, she turned around and her teamate gave her a "chest" bump (you know both coming together..:):) WT??

Oh, gotta "run"...Mom is calling me...tehe!

Oh...and one more thing...have any pictures I could use?...I will be doing a tribute to you next week. Hopefully I will leave a "lingering" impression for all that read:):) Sorry "full" of it...LOL

Wayfaring Wanderer said...

I've got visuals going on right now that I really didn't need :)

Honey Mommy said...

Wow! I can't believe you just shared those stories online!

You are a brave man. Either that, or your mother-in-law must not read your blog like mine does. :o)

imbeingheldhostage said...

I am trying to type while wiping tears from my face. holy carp I can't stop laughing.

Emily said...

hilarious. I will never understand the butt pat thing...personal space, people! And after 8 years of marriage, I still have a bathroom privacy at all time policy with my husband!

Lindsay said...

Muahaha....LOVE the feeling your mom's rear-end....classic. On the bright side, it wasn't your mother IN LAW!

Susan said...

SO funny! I bet Sharon is wishing she hadn't encouraged you quite so much. LOL...still laughing!