Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Things I did once: #10 (the things I do for you)
Recently, my wife was making Oreo bon bons, which require freezing between the various stages of composition. This was accomplished on a metal pan, which came out of the freezer with a nice, frosty coating.
I'd always wondered...
I'd always heard...
...that if I stuck my tongue to a frozen metal object...
Well, you know where I'm going, I won't leave you in suspense. My tongue stuck to the pan. Really stuck.
Why, you're asking, would I do this?
The answer is simple: research (because, you've always wondered too).
So what's it like?
First of all, it kind of hurts -- depending on how much of the tongue you get stuck on there.
Secondly, you can have the driest mouth in the world, but as soon as your tongue is immobilized, your salivation glands kick in full force, and you begin to drool all over everything.
Third, you cannot speak (try talking while holding on to your tongue) -- everything comes out sounding like "lagalagalagalagalagalagalaga."
Or, when you start to panic: "LAGALAGALAGALAGALAGA!!!!"
Your children come in the room, and immediately start calling friends.
Your spouse barely bats an eye (it's like she's seen this before) -- notice, no one is rushing to get you any warm water, to extricate yourself from the frozen pan, and the growing puddle of drool.
Basically, the universe conspires against you, to make you look like the biggest idiot anyone has ever seen.
Eventually, you free youself from the situation, but understand -- no matter how careful you are -- you will leave a little of yourself behind.
And that, dear readers, is what happens when you stick your tongue to a frozen metal object.
Know that I do not do these things for the glory.
I do them for you.