Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A general plea for amnesty

I've been sitting here thinking about my life, and I've come to a conclusion:

I did a lot of things I shouldn't have done.

Now don't misunderstand me, I never killed anyone or knocked off a bank or voted for a Clinton, but there are a few indiscretions that I would like to request at this time be expunged from the record. In that light, I hereby offer the following apologies/confessions:

To my mom: There are a more things than I could detail in a year of blogs, so we'll just focus on a couple here. Remember ALL those Star Wars figures you bought me? There were dozens of them, and most suffered the same ignominious fate -- buried up to their shoulders, and their heads golfed off. I'm a parent now and I buy toys. I am REALLY sorry.

And the statue on top of the piano -- I'm sorry we played soccer in the living room.

And I'm sorry I was (am) such a know-it-all.

And I'm sorry for breaking into your locked bedroom, just because I could.

And I'm sorry our house had red and green and blue and yellow shag carpeting (this wasn't my fault, but I'm still sorry).

To the owners of the local grocery store: I'm sorry I climbed up on your roof, and threw Oreos at your patrons.

To most of my teachers in High School: For not taking you serious when you told me that I should really try to come to class more often...you were serious?

To my childhood neighbors: I'm sorry we randomly fired sharp arrows over the houses, into neighboring streets. I'm so glad no one was hurt (or at least no one I ever heard of...) And to the Crapos in particular, I'm sorry I shot an arrow into your roof, and another through your garage door. It was nothing personal, just poor marksmanship.

To the little bird at Scout camp: I'm sorry I threw that hatchet high up into the tree, over and over again trying to hit you. And to all the scouts on the ground under the tree, I'm sorry I endangered your lives -- over and over again. Obviously I never made it to Eagle Scout.

To my wife: I'm sorry I fell asleep that time in the dorms -- while you were kissing me.

To Mrs. Olsen, my sixth grade teacher: It was me. I did it. The Respect Book -- that wonderful experiment in discipline that you tried that year, the book that we miscreants had to write our names in whenever we acted up, gradually progressing in stages of severity, until it climaxed in a meeting with our parents and the principal, THAT BOOK -- you may have noticed that it was missing. I stole it. Not only did I steal it, but I ritualistically burned it on our back patio. The little yellow blob of melted plastic -- the stain of my sin -- remained fused to the cement for many years afterward.

It was my one great act of defiance, and I do not apologize, but I do confess. I did it for sixth graders everywhere.

To all of you that I snowed into thinking I was a good kid: Forgive me.

I think that's enough for now.


Corey~living and loving said...

tee hee...this post is priceless.

Cecily R said...

I liked you before but now I REALLY like you.

And as one of those 6th graders everywhere, I'm sure Isaac thanks you.

Mom24 said...

Hmmm, I think I'm really glad I wasn't your Mom. :)

koreen (aka: winn) said...

Wow. I fear I didn't aspire high enough as a child... after all, I only proved a garbage bag doesn't serve as a parachute when you jump off a balcony. And other minor indiscretions. Wow. ;)

kayerj said...

I'd say you were pretty normal :)

{krista} said...

WOW, you make me look like such a saint.... and for that, I thank you. heehee!

Aaron said...


I have been quiet for some time but the gloves are off!

How come I don't get any apology!? (Not really sure what you have to apologize to me for but really)

I have to set some of this record straight.....

#1 - Star Wars People, Cameron Urray gets some blame....he flushed some down the toilet.

#2 - The statue. I didn't know that statue was even there. YOU kicked the ball not me and if I recall, I had to pay your mother for it out of my allowance and write her an apology......you just laughed and said she cried, asked you not to do that again and you got off scott free.......seriously.

#3 - You were a know-it-all but you actually did know a lot back then....what happened? You don't seem to know anything anymore.....hahaha

#4 - Oreo - That sorry belongs to Shawn Savareese. It was his idea, his blame. (yes we went along but he was so cool....his coolness clouded our rational thought) Stone him....yes....stone him.

#5 - Arrows - .......yeah.....you should be sorry for that one. "I'll do it THIS time for sure Aaron....Watch......." (That phrase came out a couple times in our childhood from you....I think.

#6 - Hatchett - If I recall....YOU were the only scout under the tree. You were throwing the hatchett straight up with only you under it. I blame Brian Hansen who dumped the boxes of .22 shells into the fire when they all the 'dud's' started to go off.....or Tayah for throwing the fireworks into the campfire resulting in the explosion of your Dad's tent.....those were things to be sorry for.

#7 - Repect book - Are you really sorry for that?.....really.....dig deep.....you know you are NOT sorry. That was our little revolution and will be forever!

In closing....it would be nice if you would update the other blog....you are not getting any older and your mind is fading....

Chris said...


I'm not taking full credit for everything, I'm just apologizing for my part in it.

You kicked the soccer ball. And yes, my mother was a push over -- I won't apologize for that.

As for the Respect Book -- if you clean off your glasses (or put them on) you'll notice that I didn't apologize for that one.

And, if it makes you feel any better, I was on the other blog last night -- that's where I got the ideas for this post.

I imagine that doesn't make you feel any better. For that, I apologize. But not much.

Don't force me to tell all these people what you -- my very best friend in the world -- did to my arm in the third grade.

Heidi said...

I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face. That was great!

Heidi said...

And to Aaron, thanks for filling in with the rest of the story!
Arrows, who would give ten year old boys weapons like that?
Just kidding!

Chris said...

Heidi -- it was the eighties and parents still believed that kids could, more or less, take care of themselves.

Silly parents.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Love this post!! Especially the imagery of the hatchet and the bird. Is that wrong from a vegetarian's perspective that I find that most amusing? I think it's the fact of throwing something like that up in the tree when we all know the laws of gravity require it to come back down. I hope the poor bird fared well. ;)

Holly said...

You did all that? The Oreos? The arrows? Burning your teacher's book? How do you think this stuff up?

I am never letting my sons read your blog.


Emily said...

Wow. That's quite a list of confessions. I think you should also buy your wife a present.
And really, you wasted Oreos like that? Shame!

Straight to Your Hart said...

Phew..I was getting worried sinner!!hehe.. Forgivable..now the Clinton thing would not have been so easy;)

Hope all is well..need to schedule another appointment.

Aaron said...

Your arm!.....your ARM?!?!!?! What the heck?! Who was trying to punch me.....all I did was block your pathetic third grade punch and YOU gave yourself that scar. So - There - THAT's what you get for messin with me! HA!

Sheesh.....these people think you were a hellian for just that stuff? They didn't even get to hear the good stuff.

Like the time we made each other pass out.

Or ......maybe I should stop now....

Chris said...

Yes you should be quiet...I've got a rep to protect!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

You were an awful child. Seriously. How many cats did you blow up? Don't lie to us. Just.don't. :-)