Thursday, March 14, 2013

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Dark Chocolate

Since I was ranting anyway...

What is the deal with dark chocolate these days? And why do we suddenly refer to it's cacao content? And who really knows what cacao is, anyway? And why does it cost so much more? And who actually eats it? More importantly who actually likes it?

Well, you must want to hear my theory, you're still reading. I think 97% Cacao Dark Chocolate is a sure sign of the Apocalypse. More specifically, it's a manifestation of our desperate need to be special -- to be seen as sophisticated. It's sort of like the bottled water phenomenon -- we won't drink water directly from the tap, but we'll pay extra to drink tap water from a plastic bottle, as long as we didn't see the water actually being put into the bottle. (You didn't actually think it was some guy's job to stand under some pure waterfall on Mount Olympus, and fill up all those water bottles, did you?)

Being seen eating -- or at least purchasing -- 99% Cacao Organic Dark as Coal Amazonian Rainforest Monkey Droppings Chocolate makes us feel just a bit better than that schlub buying the Mr. Goodbar, in front of us in line at Albertson's. And that's what really matters these days.

How do I come to this conclusion? It's easy -- dark chocolate tastes terrible. And the darker it gets, the worse it tastes. It literally tastes like dirt. I'm not being metaphorical, it actually tastes like you just licked the ground.

"BUT" you say, "dark chocolate is good for you."


It's candy. It's not good for you. It's job -- it's reason for existing --  is to NOT be good for you. It's an indulgence. Any health benefits of dark chocolate are negligible for (at least) two reasons. First of all, the amount you'd have to eat, to gain any real health benefit, would be enough to make you swear off chocolate forever. It's sort of the reverse of the lab rat that consumes the equivalent of ten times it's own  body weight in caffeine, and then explodes in his little cage. Clearly caffeine is not good for the rat, look at him, he blew up.

Secondly, chocolate -- dark, milk, semi sweet, white -- is a food full of fat and calories. If you ate enough to get the so called heart benefits, you'd explode, just like the over caffeinated rat.

Do you realize that the chocolate makers have to do less to produce dark chocolate? So, it's a product that costs less to make, more to buy and tastes like chalk?

The end of time is coming fast.

The truth is, I like dark chocolate, when it's offset by something sweet -- dark chocolate Raisinettes are my kryptonite. But, just straight dark chocolate? I don't need that much sophistication.

Go ahead, let me have it. 

I can take it.

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